Relationships: Love Is Not A Choice! | Great Health Guide
Relationships: Love Is Not A Choice!

Relationships: Love Is Not A Choice!

“Love is Not a Choice” Dr Matthew Anderson interviews Dianna & Michael, published in Great Health Guide (March 2017). In this article Dr Anderson discusses the idea that love is not a choice as he interviews a real life couple who are deeply in love.
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Relationships: Love Is Not A Choice

written by Dr Matthew Anderson

NOTE TO READER: This article is an interview with an actual couple who are deeply in love. The names are changed to protect their privacy but the information is exactly as they shared it. Their relationship is the best of any couple I have ever encountered in my 45 years as a relationship coach.

Dr. Anderson’s questions: ‘Dianna and Michael, what do you think about this idea that love is not a choice? You both have been in love for quite a while. Did you choose to fall in love?’

Dianna gives Michael a playful dig in his ribs and tells him to begin the conversation.

Michael: ‘OK, I know you think I have lots of opinions about this one. You are right, Honey and I always like it when you are right’. (He smiles). ‘So here goes. I am completely convinced that romantic love, falling in love with someone, the head-over-heels variety, is no more a choice for us human beings, than our skin color. When it comes to this sort of love we are powerless. In fact, powerlessness is a basic part of the deal. This sort of powerlessness is a form of freedom.’


‘We don’t have to think about it, measure it, analyze it or make a stupid pros and cons list. It is – and we are – and that is that. Done deal. That gives us the opportunity to drop out of the power game and allow our hearts to drive the bus. Once we do that, the ride is pretty incredible. It has been that for us and I think it is for lots of other couples who surrender to love. What do you think, Sweetheart?’

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Dianna pauses to clear her thoughts and shares.

Dianna: ‘Honey, just to make a brief aside, I love it that you really do like when I am right. I know you are not joking about that and that is so great. OK, now about falling in love. Yes, it is not a choice. When I fell for you, it was nothing like choosing a TV set or anything else that involves options. It was BANG! And BOOM! And you were so far into my heart I could not imagine ever getting you out, even if I wanted to and I have never wanted that, even for a moment.’

Dianna continues: ‘I do know what you mean about surrender but the feeling I have is not what I imagined surrender would be like. I always thought of surrender as a kind of giving up, like in war. But this is not war, this is love and it is another form of surrender. It is sweet and easy and tender and sort of like easing down into a hot bubble bath at the end of a hard day. Loving you is so good for me, I would be crazy to resist it. And, Honey, I think you feel the same way. Could you say a little more about this idea of powerlessness? I think that is important.’

Michael nods his head in agreement and continues.

Michael: ‘Powerlessness can be very scary to many people. We tend to think it means being out of control, like trying to drive a car, that suddenly loses its brakes. But it is not like that. The powerlessness of romantic love is a good thing. It means that we can let go and enjoy the ride because love is at the wheel. Yes, it does involve some trust but trusting in love is what this is all about. Once love shows up, I think the best thing to do is to let go and let it drive the bus.’

Dr Anderson’s conclusion: ‘OK, it seems that you both agree that you did not choose to fall in love. However, you made some very meaningful points that once in love, it is important to surrender to romantic love and allow that love to direct your lives together. Powerlessness does not have to be a scary thing, but can become part of the daily experience of being fully in love with one’s partner. Thanks so much, Dianna and Michael, for your openness and honesty.’

Author of this article:
Reverend Matthew Anderson is a Doctor of Ministry specialising in counselling and has extensive training and experience in Gestalt and Jungian Psychology. He has helped many couples and singles successfully navigate relationship issues. His has a best-selling book, The Resurrection of Romance. Matthew may be contacted through his website.

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Author Kathryn Dodd

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