This article is written by Martin Gladman and is taken from the current Great Health Guide (April 2016 – issue 10).

Relationships: Are We Having Sex or Making Love? written by Martin Gladman

Sex is something which is presented to us in many guises, be it in the movies, video clips, pornography, on billboards or in magazines. Throughout our lives we are exposed to and experience many different ideas, rules, dogmas or perspectives on what sex is and what sex isn’t. Despite this, our relationship with sex always remains something that is very personal to each of us. One of the greatest errors of our time though is that we have somehow confused the act of sex with the art of making love, combining the two together and robbing ourselves of the beauty found in true love making.

Making love is an art and I’m not talking about silly poses and strange positions where one twists and bends their bodies. True love making is much simpler, easier and accessible. It simply means to build love between people. No physical contact or innuendo needed, just simply building and developing care, honesty, respect, intimacy and joy in our interactions with people, be it with our partners, friends, family, colleagues or just in our thoughts and actions about ourselves and others.

Our bodies crave love, they crave intimacy. So when we have these ‘cravings’ or ‘needs’ for sex, we need to stop ourselves and consider for a moment what this might honestly be about. More often than many of us would like to admit, we use sex to release tension, soothe our loneliness or fill our emptiness. We could say that sex has become a cheap substitute for the love and intimacy that we are truly craving but are not choosing to bring to ourselves.

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A feeling that is pure and free from any drama or emotion. It comes from deep inside of us. It is a feeling we get when we’re cherished and supported, when we’re deeply appreciated and celebrated for who we are. Love is pure. When we don’t feel love or when we’re not letting people see and feel our love, we can find ourselves feeling empty, as if something is missing, because it is. As a result, we look to fill that empty feeling from outside sources and sex is but one of those choices.

So how then can we truly make love? First and foremost, making love starts with deeply loving and supporting ourselves, making love with ourselves. Love making starts with making the conscience and deliberate choice to appreciate, support, love, cherish and honour ourselves, to make love with our thoughts, our words, our actions and our movements. It’s an act of simply choosing to ‘be’ love, to the best of our ability, in all and any given moment.

Once we’ve mastered that, we are able to bring that same love to the people around us, making love with everyone we meet, be it the man or lady at the checkout or with our partners, long before we get between the sheets. Because when we’re feeling full of ourselves, full of our own love, others feel that love too and if in that moment they choose to feel their own love then ‘hey presto’, you’ve just made love, together.

So what does this mean for our relationships? And what does this mean for sex? Well, think about it. If you spent every day consciously building love with yourself and then your partner, just imagine what would happen when you celebrate that love in the bed room. Making love does wonders when it comes to actually having sex. 

True love making happens when we proactively choose to build love. The key to having explosive and amazing sex has nothing to do with candles or emotional stares but everything to do with our commitment to honestly building love. It can happen when we’re doing the dishes, when we cook, when we walk, talk, think, or simply speak to one another. So instead of relieving ourselves of our emptiness in the bedroom, we can build and then celebrate all of our love, celebrating not only ourselves but each other. 

Author of this article:

Martin Gladman is a counsellor, teacher, life coach and complementary therapist working out of Melbourne. Victoria. Martin has had the pleasure of supporting people of all ages, backgrounds and genders to work through the many challenges which can prevent them from living truly joyful and vital lives. Martin has a deep love and commitment to humanity, offering his services as a writer and specialist to support people to live, learn, love and be inspired by life and all that is within it. Martin can be contacted through his website.

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