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Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places? written by Martin Gladman
Thank you Martin for making the steps so simple and practical. A lot is said about loving ourselves first, but few of us know how to do it. And having spent a small fortune on shoes, I know that that is not the key to self love…no matter what some people say to the contrary!
Loving ourselves is quite a challenge, especially at the beginning, when the negative self-talk in our ear is having its way with our minds. That is when simple and practical are important. Going to bed when I am tired is a sure fire way to help me reset myself, and my sense of my own worth.
I agree Rachel, we live in a world that awards people for putting others first, sadly at the true cost of our own well-being. This article from Martin is so refreshing as it brings us back to deeply nurturing a true relationship with ourselves first, and from there we have so much more to share with others.
So true, Heather, we are constantly being bombarded in life with differing views on ‘how we should be’, constantly pushing to be more, to achieve more, at the expense of ourselves and our bodies. How often have you seen a billboard that says ‘You are precious, cherish yourself’? I love what Martin has written as he brings us right back to our gorgeous selves, the place we can always come back to that is true, a deep well of love. We are so worth looking after, the more tender and gentle we are with ourselves, the love starts to feed us back. Gone are the feelings of emptiness, instead there is the most gorgeous warm glow beaming from within.
Good question Martin,”Is it not irresponsible to expect others to be loving and supportive, if we are not choosing to love ourselves first?” and: Spot on! How can we expect others to be lovely if we do not start? And when we start – how could we start elsewhere then with ourselves? Makes totally sense to me!
Martin, this is a great piece, I loved it. It is really unusual to see women who are mothers too, really choosing to care for themselves, because someone (probably a lot of people really or society even) told us that it was selfish to put ourselves before our kids. Your sentence, “The number one responsibility we have in life is to make sure that we genuinely love and nurture ourselves so that those around us are able to see that they can do it too” is great because it opens the door to 3 things: loving ourselves first and foremost, not seeing this as selfish, and feeling like a great parent anyway because we are now able to realise that our kids will learn this way of self-love from us. This will change things for many teens worldwide.
This is a great article thanks Martin. I like what you say about loving yourself first – rather than waiting for someone else to love you. It often feels easier to love others rather than myself and your article is a reminder to start with me. When you say “treat yourself like the most precious and delicate thing in the world and say no to anything that doesn’t support or hold you in this love” then I am really encouraged to put me first.
Yes, Martin, when you say – “When we commit to loving ourselves, no matter what, we prove to ourselves that love never leaves us, but it is us, who leave love” – That is such a supportive thing to ponder on – The idea that the love we all search for is actually with us all the time. And we spend so much time and effort looking for it outside of us. More so than we care to admit, because it’s not just the obvious love of a relationship we look for but the recognition, the reward, the accolade, the compliment – all to fill the hole we create by not filling us with our own love. Thank you for the article.
Beautifully put Martin, certainly an area where most do not look for love.
We’ve had the message “Love thy neighbour as thyself” for over 2000 years now and the ‘love thy neighbour’ part has never really taken hold, as evidenced by the World wars and the ‘gender wars’ and the ‘class wars’ and all the other conflicts that are amply evident – simply because no one knew what the ‘as thyself’ part meant. Here you have made it perfectly clear what it means, and offered some basic suggestions to get started.
The world is a better place for this article.
To me it seems that we so much long for someone to love us that the notion of loving ourselves first sounds great but very absurd at the same time. And while we wait to be loved we keep quite protected to avoid a possible hurt or rejection, actually to the point that we demand the other person to love me and open up to me first before I will love them back. We play hide and seek and are devastated that in the end we always come away empty-handed (i.e. empty-hearted). The same game we play with loving ourselves, we hide from expressing love towards ourselves, we resist letting it in, we seek to self-care more but beat ourselves up every time we fail instead of step by step building a relationship with ourselves that nourishes understanding, patience, learning, friendliness, progress without need for perfection, letting go of expectations, acceptance… being our best friend, forever. A love affair with myself is the true sexy and nothing is more attractive as it ignites the same in others – the love inside themselves.
“The number one responsibility we have in life is to make sure that we genuinely love and nurture ourselves so that those around us are able to see that they can do it too.” Well this quote makes life simple! Being truly nurturing with ourselves is not easy in a world that is increasing in pace and intensity on a daily basis, however, i have seen first hand that it can be done. As human beings we can handle so much more than we have been led to believe, we have simply been fuelling ourselves with things that cause our ‘engines’ to blow up. It is amazing how simple, productive and joyful life can be when we choose to eat, sleep and move in a way that supports us.
Personally I have seen that my thoughts have a huge impact on the way I feel about myself, if I beat myself up it affects my body more than an all nighter or a big slice of cake. If I am willing to accept abuse from myself it stands to reason I will accept it from another. It really is true, love starts with the relationship we have with us.
A beautiful article Martin. I love the very simple actions you wrote about how we can actually love ourselves. It always seems like its an ‘out there’ concept, but its not. It’s actually very practical very real and something that can be lived everyday through these simple activities. The very beautiful thing with this is that it really pays off. The more we care, nurture and love ourselves the more we can then give to others. Caring for ourselves means our cup does not run dry. So really it’s a win win. A win for our own body and health and a win for how we are then with others.
Reading your article Martin I see what a strain it is on a relationship to go into it lacking the love we have not given ourself and expecting the other person to make us feel better. I know from experience that when I am looking for someone else to fix such a lack, the expectation puts so much pressure on the other person and whatever they do will always fall short – it is not much fun for me, and it must be awful for the other person. What a gorgeous contrast would it be if instead we are bursting with love and vitality from the self-love we have already nourished ourselves with, and we invest that into our relationship.
When you put it like that Martin, it’s crazy how tough we are with ourselves. It is as if we say ‘I’ll fit you in for 5 minutes after lunch and before Tae Kwondo’. If we were a lover or partner we would get dumped! Your words here have definitely inspired me to recommit to spending quality time with me. In the past I would have seen this as having ‘me time’ away from the maddening crowds. But now I am starting to get that this way of being is actually possible all the time, wherever I happen to be.
Yes, Martin, what you say makes perfect sense as it is so true. In society we have been fooled to think that we need to take care and love others otherwise we are selfish. What a complete lie that is as if we don’t care and love ourselves first there is no way that we can give that care or nurture to another because we don’t know what care and nurture is. What we do need to realize is that we have to love and care for ourselves otherwise we are being selfish because ultimately others have to then take care of us. No wonder there is a world-wide health problem because essentially we are not loving, caring and nurturing ourselves first by choosing to take responsibility for our life and not rely on someone else to be responsible for what we don’t do for ourselves.
Such a great article Martin. I had been thinking about the exact same topic this morning before I got to read your piece. The only thing that’s really missing in life if anything is that deeper relationship within myself. My loving relationship with myself is the medicine that will supports everything else.
Wow Martin, what a great article, I totally agree with everything you say. I would just like to add that even the thoughts we allow in are important to self love, even when we do make mistakes we can still be self loving , no self bashing or self criticism. Accept the mistakes we make as true learning and a part of the way forward.
The delicacy and beauty with which you handle the subject of self love is truly inspiring – as you yourself say ‘treat yourself like the most precious and delicate thing in the world and say ‘no’ to anything that doesn’t support and hold you in this love’. When we connect to our very essence we know this is what we have been looking for and seeking for a very long time and to connect with this love is moment of coming home – a moment when our whole body and soul say yes this is truly me.
Thank you for this inspiring article Martin reflecting how simple it can be to develop a deeper relationship with ourself and then other with the first step of bringing more self care and self nurturing to our daily living.
I love that self love is so simple and I like how you say it’s in the little details, just noticing when we’re tired, or eating something that doesn’t support us. We all know how to truly love and nurture ourselves, we just don’t choose to do it, because we ‘think’ we should be doing all these other things that are more important. It just takes little steps to really claim how important we actually are, and so worth looking after!