Have you ever noticed feeling not good enough? It can jump out at you unexpectedly, or it can sit with you like a heavy feeling, a constant reminder that something is just not right. Feeling not good enough can sabotage you and your relationships. When we believe that we are not enough, we look for evidence, on an unconscious level, that proves that we are right. We amplify things or misread things, turning small things into big things. This leads to arguments that did not need to happen, misunderstandings and a constant battle to be heard. This can lead to resentment and anger.
Insecurity can also lead to withdrawing from your partner, emotionally and/or physically. The thought of ‘there is no point anyway’, prevents us from even trying to be heard. This pattern can be devastating. On an unconscious level, it reinforces the belief system that, ‘I am not enough’ or perhaps even that on some other level that, ‘I deserve this because I am (insert harsh judgment of self here)’.
Can you imagine how different you would feel if you were to know, deep in your core, that you are in fact enough? Insecure belief systems start very early in life, usually before the age of seven. As a psychologist and a coach, I can honestly say that 100% of people at some point in their life, go through feelings of not being good enough.
How does ‘feeling not good enough’ play out in relationship?
1. Defensiveness. ‘Yes, but….’, and not being able to simply say sorry or own up to mistakes.
2. Attacking behaviour.Blaming others, picking on the small things, resentment.
3. Withdrawal. There’s no point, so I’ll just shut down (stop listening, stop talking, stop engaging, stop intimacy).
4. Frustration. I just can’t please him/her.
5. Nagging. The feeling that other people are not up to our standards, reflects something not right inside of us. It can be a projection of not feeling in control, or it can be high judgement of our partner.
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But please remember, in relationships where domestic violence is present, this is not the same, as the abusive partner is exerting his/her power over the other. It is the abusive partner who feels ‘not good enough’, although they would never openly admit to that without help.
When we feel like we are not enough, we start to see that in others too. Our partner is a mirror to us. Just because these beliefs start early does not mean that we are stuck with them, it just means that we need to work on them.
What can I do?
1. Start by noticing your thoughts.If anyone else in the world spoke to you like that, would you accept it?
2. Give your judge a silly name. ‘There goes my judge Flicka again, she is so mean!’
3. Get professional help. Learning how to change the way you think and feel about yourself is a big part of the process. Ask for recommendations from friends or your local doctor.
4. Let go of the reins a little. If you are trying to control everything in your relationship, your partner will feel suffocated and you will feel exhausted.
5. Practice gratitude. Notice three things a day, every day, that you are grateful for.
6. Acknowledge things about yourself that you like.This could be physical or personality and it can be little things to start with. Examples are ‘I like my eyes’, ‘I am a good cook’, ‘Even though I am not perfect, I love who I am’.
There are so many more things you can do! Most importantly is not to give up. You are worth it. The struggle to overcome feelings of insecurity and judgements of not being enough, do not compare to finally reaching the conclusion that ‘I AM GOOD ENOUGH!’
Author of this article:
Leanne Allen, is the Principle Psychologist at Reconnect Wellness Centre. She has trained in Sandplay Therapy, NLP and CBT and has had extensive training in relationship therapy. Leanne has also completed training as a life coach. Her approach is to look forward whilst releasing the trauma of the past. Connect on Facebook or visit the Website.
