Arguments… Can They Be A Thing Of The Past? | Great Health Guide
Arguments… Can They Be A Thing Of The Past?

Arguments… Can They Be A Thing Of The Past?

This article is taken from our newly released Issue 6 of our magazine. Issues 1 to 5 are also available through the App store and Google Play store. Please subscribe to the Great Health Guide magazine – (subscription FREE for limited time only).
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Arguments… Can They Be A Thing Of The Past? written by Martin Gladman

Arguments can destroy relationships, end friendships, break up partnerships and separate families, yet they are something which we enter into and allow in our lives. No one really enjoys arguing, so naturally we avoid them by tiptoeing around discussions and carefully choosing what we do and don’t say, to make sure we don’t disrupt the perceived harmony.

Often in relationships we think it’s easier to let things slide, ignoring and overlooking things that our partners or family do that might feel disrespectful, unloving or dishonoring. Equally so, there are times when we are not at our best and we speak up and don’t hold things back. Our partners and the other people do the same things, so this is one big argumentative mess just waiting to happen.

But do we ever actually let things slide? Or do we secretly hold onto them, letting them build and grow over time until one day, we explode or just quietly walk away, without ever expressing our thoughts and feelings? Not communicating and holding things back can supply the very fuel upon which our disagreements thrive. When we do not resolve the hurts or disturbances that we feel in our relationships, we end up carrying them around with us and they often come out in unexpected or unpleasant ways. 

So what can we do about this? Often people see arguments as a way to ‘clear the air’ but what if we prevented ‘the air’ from ever being polluted in the first place, by clearing up and discussing issues as they presented themselves?

Every time we avoid speaking up about the things that might be unkind or just don’t feel are right, we allow tensions to enter into our relationships. These tensions then build up but we don’t really want that to happen. It seems that we’re scared of speaking up out of fear of the consequences, but if this is the case, we really need to ask – why? 

By not communicating with our loved ones, we are essentially saying to ourselves and those around us that:

1. Our relationship is not worth the effort it might take to resolve our issues

2. We are not capable of working through what might unfold

3. Our relationship is not strong enough to handle growth and expansion

4. We are not worthy of being in loving and respectful relationships

What would happen if we learnt to lovingly respect, honour and support ourselves so that instead of ‘letting things slide’, we were able to speak to them, clearing up the small things before they built up into bigger things that later become a nightmare to deal with?

Learning to speak up and communicate can seem difficult at first, but over time, if we make the effort and learn to support and nurture ourselves through the process, then we give ourselves and our relationships the best opportunity to be fulfilled. At the same time, we are building our own confidence and trust throughout the process.

Give it a try, support yourself and see what happens – arguments can be a thing of the past, if we so choose it. 

Author of this article:
Martin Gladman has a B.Soc.Wk. (Hons) and is a counsellor, teacher, life coach and complementary therapist working out of Melbourne. Victoria. Martin has had the pleasure of supporting people of all ages, backgrounds and genders to work through the many challenges which can get in the way of them living truly joyful and vital lives. Martin has a deep love and commitment to humanity, offering his services as a writer and specialist to support people to live, learn, love and be inspired by life. Contact Martin through his email martingladman@outlook.com.

This article is taken from our newly released Issue 6 of our magazine. Issues 1 to 5 are also available through the App store and Google Play store. Please subscribe to the Great Health Guide magazine – (subscription FREE for limited time only).
iTunesor Androidstore

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Join the discussion 15 Comments

  • Simon Williams says:

    Great article Martin. I know in the past I have either been too lazy, or too scared to disturb the picture of a happy relationship, and meanwhile under the surface the tension builds. Do that for 20 years and it will certainly destroy a relationship, or worse still turn into an agreement to always settle for less. We are worth so much more…

  • Carmel Reid says:

    It definitely pays to express feelings as they arise and not to let them fester. It gives others the opportunity to make changes or not, as they choose, but at least they know how you feel. The danger of leaving it too long is that the expression comes out as a long list of angry complaints, which comes with an energy of accusation, criticism and judgement, rather than a simple, honest expression of how we felt at the time.

  • Emma Hart says:

    What a fantastic article, which leaves much to ponder. Put this simply, it certainly feels possible to make disagreements a thing of the past. A great inspiration. Thank you for publishing this.

  • Stephanie Pommerel says:

    Wow Martin – I do believe you have just blown my mind. Yep, that’s right, I’ll be re-reading this one and referring a few folk to read it from the source. How entirely possible could it be to voice things as they present, without perfection, being open to the conversation and renewed connection that follows. That’s a HUGE “yes please” from me.

    • It is very possible Stephanie, to voice things in the moment, we just need to make sure that we support and love ourselves through it and remain open to the possibility that there could be some learning in it too. Expressing how we’re truly feeling (and I don’t mean when we’re emotional and reacting!) can be scary because it asks us to be real and when we’re real, we fear that there may be real consequences. The thing is though is there are always consequences, or a term I’d much prefer to use, outcomes, whether we like it or not. Every choice we makes leads us in one direction, make a different choice and we find ourselves in another. It’s very very simple. So bring on the big ‘yes’, we could do all do with one. Thank you for your comment Stephanie and for reading the article.

  • Sandra Williamson says:

    Thanks for a great article Martin. An ounce of prevention is certainly more appealing than a ton of cure. Declaring that all involved are worthy of the effort to resolve issues before they are irreconcilable is certainly worth trying.

  • Greg Hall says:

    If I am to be honest here, I can see clearly how I have played these games in many of my relationships. The tension that builds is actually similar to the tension that builds in me when I don’t honour how I feel about me too… in that I may be disregarding of how I feel about doing something a certain way but end up doing it another way, which doesn’t feel supportive of me once I’ve done it the other way and I end up feeling tense with myself for not having listened to my body in the first place – so it is no wonder that if I do this with myself, I will do this with my relationships with others too. The tension feels the same. the upside though is that having the awareness to feel the tension building now offers me a choice to allow it to continue to build, or take steps to stop it escalating.

  • Amber Goodwin says:

    This is so true, I know I have held back a lot hopping things I’m concerned about won’t happen and then get upset when they do. In what yourve said I realise I am not giving the relationship or myself my partner/friend the opportunity to resolve what’s there.

    • It’s a funny game that we play with ourselves and our relationships. We don’t like it when things turns out the way they do but we also don’t like doing the work that could have lead to the outcome being different. Are we and our relationships not worth a little effort? Any moment can be a new beginning, even in the midst of an argument, for what we choose and set into motion will run it’s trajectory unless of course we consciously stop and switch its track midway. Thank you for your open and honest comment Amber.

  • Julie Chung says:

    It’s so awesome Martin that you bring this understanding around relationships and how better to relate within them. Expressing how we feel can feel tricky especially when we leave it too long and feel we can’t go there now and then resent the fact that we feel we can’t go there and then end up getting resentful at the person or situation which does not help at all. Learning to say how you feel at the time, keeps you with the feeling as its right there and then there is less inclination to go into a drama or emotion about it because you are simply expressing how you feel. When I have chosen to do this, it kind of opens the way for both sides to feel much more at ease and talk through things from a more detached perspective.

  • Laura Hoy says:

    This article describes the arguing situation so perfectly, it is exactly what happens, and the simplicity of speaking up is so easily applied to all our relationships, with the potential for turning our lives around…

  • Sue queenboriugh says:

    A great article Thankyou Martin. Learning to express rather than go quiet and let things fester, as has been my way, is something I gave have been learning for a while now. Having been taught to ‘put up and shut up’ it felt very scary initially. But, as they say, ‘practice makes perfect’, not that I’m after perfection!

  • Sue Queenborough says:

    I loved rereading this article. ‘Preventing the air from being polluted in the first place’ – how great that would be, not from shying away from confrontation but from expressing the truth with understanding and love.

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